Make it Easy

We have so many ‘shoulds’ weighing on our minds.  I’ve long been of the opinion that the adage, ‘check your shoulds’ is a powerful one.  The word ‘should’ implies that there is resistance towards that particular course of action.  If that path isn’t taken, your world won’t fall apart, you or others might just consider it to be less worthy.

I encountered this idea during one of my first sessions with the therapist whose gift was to introduce the idea of self compassion into my life.  Julia Avnon taught me that staying in bed while the world wasn’t, was OK because it comforted me.  She explained that living with my parents when my peers, and even younger sisters, had moved out, counted as accepting support which, I needed more than others because of my past.  She gave me permission to accept pleasure without guilt or shame, even if I wasn’t ready or developed enough to pursue it or even feel entitled to it.  Julia explained that if a ‘should’ couldn’t be translated into a ‘must’, then I could choose to be released from its suffocating snare.

The thing is, it’s very easy to quote revelational ideas, but more than a decade on, I still struggle with internalising and truly owning the concept.  I’ve realised that there will always be ‘shoulds’.  The pervading pressures we encounter in this demanding, fast paced society are strong and persistent.  I’m unsure if it is possible to be enlightened enough to engage with the world I live in and not be swept up in it from time to time.  However, sometimes I am now able to notice the tightness of tension creeping in and can translate it as my body being upset about the ‘shoulds’ I’m trying to force into my life.  Like all mindfulness practices, the more often I translate these physical signs, the sooner and more often I recognise them.

I haven’t written a blog post for months.  This has caused feelings of shame and guilt and been the cause of a persistent ‘should’.  It started with ‘I should post once a week’ even though I wasn’t inspired to and didn’t have the energy.  Then I became very ill.  I still felt that I ‘should’ post and felt anger and frustration towards my body that it was holding me back.  This fought against the intense gratitude I felt for my body’s remarkable ability to heal.  Then I found out the awesome news that I am pregnant and with that came the trials of the first trimester, which were so much greater than I could have ever imagined.  So many ‘shoulds’ accompanied that revelation and are growing by the day.  How on Earth am I supposed to look after myself while giving them the attention and recognition that they are demanding?

I have to make it easy.  I want to explore hypnobirthing.  Therefore, I ‘should go to a class’.  However, that is anxiety evoking because I will have to travel out of my way, when traveling makes me feel sick, when I’m already feeling physically and mentally exhausted and have to build up trust with another stranger, which is a gamble that I’ve not got the emotional energy for at the moment, as well as paying a substantial amount of money that I really would prefer to keep for all the rainy days that are bound to be ahead.  Enough!  There is an easier way.  Downloading an audio guide or doing an online course which I can do at home.  And originally I thought that this wasn’t going to be the best option, because I wouldn’t have the support of an expert and other participants on call, but then I started to realise what all the benefits to this approach would be.  Each one came as a wave of relief, cleansing me of my anxiety and rejuvenating my confidence and self belief:  It would be easier.  I have already had a lot of success with meditation and yoga online.  I really am my own expert.  I know how to recognise when I need support and how to find it.  Other people might benefit from a physical instructor, but distance learning really is the right way for me.

I’ve spoken of only some the many shoulds going round my head.  ‘I should find a playlist of new and inspiring music for me and the baby to listen to and to help me through labour’.  No!  I already have my go to pieces which I can find easily and a techy partner who I can ask to collate them for me.  ‘I should research all the baby paraphernalia I need to buy conclusively, finding the best deals, for the best models, in the best brands, with the best reviews.’  No!  I know people who have been through this that I can trust and there are free personal shopping services that will be worth it because I find decision making so hard.  ‘I should do all the cleaning myself and cook delicious meals from scratch, every time.’  No!  No!  No!  Maybe I should check my shoulds at least five times a day and set reminders on my phone…  Oh dear!  You can see that several decades of this mentality is not going to stop over night.

I want to allow myself time, space and unlimited chances to get it wrong.  I want to remember that if I notice this mentality, to be grateful.  I want to allow myself to make it easy.  Please can you remind me of this when you notice me getting anxious.  But don’t feel like you should.

Self Compassion Blah Blah Blah

When I hear the phrase 'self compassion', I can't help but cringe.

Asking, 'Would you say that to your best friend?' is a quick and effective way of making people notice how harsh they're being to themselves.  It also risks the asker being glared at menacingly, or worse.  Because, mostly, people don't want to hear it and would prefer to carry on beating themselves up.  It's easier, and less embarrassing.  Kindness is seen as weak after all.

What is the cause of this rampant masochism?  Probably our competitive, punitive, perfectionist society.  This isn't a ground breaking idea, so instead, let's focus on how to tackle it.

We can only be sympathetic towards ourselves when we have the confidence to believe in it.  The time to practise and develop an armour of kindness is when our self assuredness is on top.  Here are some of the ways to do this.

- Amy Cuddy's TED talk on 'power poses' may boost your resolve.  These simple postures are especially helpful if you notice self doubt creeping in.  But, often, we don't notice till it's too late.

- Mindfulness exercises can help you to notice.

Power poses and mindfulness both have studies showing that you don't have to enjoy the practise for it to have a physical effect on your brain.

- A way to recover, if you don't catch self sabotaging self doubt with a 'power pose', is by listing the ways you appreciate yourself.  Although this is also cringy, it often has impressive results.

- Use a Facebook group where others can inspire you.

- Create a tool box of strategies and skills to ease difficult times.  There are many other technique out there and if we explore them when we have the peace of mind to be able to engage, we will be better equipped to cope with challenges.
 
During the throws of scepticism, however, you may as well take a break from all that.  When our hippy bashing critic is in the ascension, the best way to get over our reluctance to be nice to ourselves, is to be self compassionate about lacking self compassion.  We need to cringe about the idea of allowing ourselves to cringe and get irritated with our irritation.  As soon as we shut out our cynicism, we give it strength and it builds until we binge on our resentment.  We can experiment with soothing words and actions when we're angry with ourselves, but ultimate self compassion is when we allow ourselves to feel that anger, instead of trying to chase it away.

I want always gets!

OK, I want to be best friends with a unicorn and that probably won't happen, but I can dream.  No, not just dream, I can talk about it.

Children get told not to say, 'I want'.  It is important to develop polite young people who respect others and their surroundings, but I think this particular method has backfired.

'Please may I have'  is really saying, 'I'm not sure if I'm entitled to this'.  Let's develop our sense of entitlement without the guilt that so often accompanies it.  Many adults are plagued by anxiety.  So are many of our children.  This feeling of uncertainty about whether we are deserving must be a strong factor.

I've begun playing a game when I notice I'm feeling anxious.  I list all the things I want at that moment.  It doesn't matter how nonsensical, contrary or unhelpful.  Often, I think I don't know what I want, so my desires start that way.  Then self compassionate, realistic, caring needs emerge and I can decide what to do next, with a genuine sense of ease.  I might not get that unicorn, but I do gain a welcome sense of relief and joy. And that, is almost as good.

'The most wonderful time of the year.' And it's not what you're thinking.

My favourite time of the holidays is, oddly, the few days before I go back to work.

Preferably, I will have just come back from somewhere.  It doesn't matter where.  It could be a traditionally relaxing place where there's nothing to do or an inspiring conference.  The point is, I will have gotten away.  Away from the chores I couldn't face while at work.  Away from my wonderful, loving friends and family.  (Even meeting up with people I love feels like pressure when life's so busy they have to be scheduled in.  Another blog post right there.)  And away from most of my stuff.


The getting away, even the being away part, is not my favourite.  I look forward to it and even enjoy it, but it's not the best and here are some of the reasons why:

I don't get away from my expectations, of myself or anything else. Meditation, experience and reflection means I can negate this to some extent, but it's exhausting.

I usually get 'Teacher's Lurgy'.  If you're not familiar with this, it's when you suddenly stop dealing with 500 things/ second, the adrenaline you've been running on during school time leaves you like a fickle lover, and your immune system is suddenly heard sobbing uncontrollably in the background, just waiting for the next passing virus to offer it some attention and interaction.

I feel I have to be permanently useful.  Even though my exploration of life, the universe and everything has taught me I don't need to be, I have problems disentangling myself from this unhelpful, ingrained imperative.


So why is it so important that I go away?  Because I enjoy coming back.  The life I have built is challenging and exhausting but it's also wonderful, fulfilling and mine.  Two, or even five weeks is not enough to help me to properly let go, (I find about three months needs to be set aside for that!), but even two days is enough to gain perspective and appreciation.  Unfortunately, this sense of peace and togetherness doesn't last long, but I enjoy it while it does.  And the brilliant thing?  I know that it will reverberate through the weeks ahead, shining through the cracks, and that will keep me going till next time.

New year, new me? NO! (Why I will not be making New Year's resolutions.)

The real message that underlies New Year's resolutions is:  'What are you doing to do to fix yourself? (Even though you should have done it [insert number] decades ago, you lazy [insert your self berating word of choice].)

Not nice is it?

This year will be different, (oh dear, here we go again)...

Don't get me wrong, reflection and self development are good things but most adults know from experience, (and scientific studies), that grand sweeping plans are futile.  I could go into why, but that would be another post.

So how should we develop if resolutions aren't the way?  And, shouldn't I just be suggesting that we change the nature of these resolutions to make them more sensible and practical?

The thing is, I don't know many people who aren't concerned about self improvement on a pretty regular basis.  Yes, we don't think about it all the time, life has other distractions, but I don't think people give themselves enough credit for how often and how much they do challenge and tweak their habits.

Life has a way of holding us to account and asking questions of us regularly.  Work appraisals, unexpected financial demands, (yes, I'm thinking of the person that just hit my parked car and drove off), life cycle moments when we reflect on our relationships.  We deal with so much!

Fantasizing might be fun, and even inspirational, but what does not help is when we fool ourselves into thinking that the fantasy should be reality.  We have way more emotional intelligence than that.

So how should we reflect?  How about New Year's appreciations?  How about reminding ourselves of all the brilliant ways we've helped ourselves the past year?  If lists are your thing, how about making a list of positive habits you have already, which are helping you achieve your goals?  Sometimes, we forget about things that work for us, like a favourite lipstick or film or board game which is languishing at the back of a drawer.  We need reminding, not re-growing.  We don't need to start from scratch, we need to enjoy all the hard work we've put in over the years and allow things to develop naturally.

Happy New Year.  I wish us well navigating through the wealth of emotions we are blessed with and hope we notice the joy as much as possible.