Self Compassion Blah Blah Blah

When I hear the phrase 'self compassion', I can't help but cringe.

Asking, 'Would you say that to your best friend?' is a quick and effective way of making people notice how harsh they're being to themselves.  It also risks the asker being glared at menacingly, or worse.  Because, mostly, people don't want to hear it and would prefer to carry on beating themselves up.  It's easier, and less embarrassing.  Kindness is seen as weak after all.

What is the cause of this rampant masochism?  Probably our competitive, punitive, perfectionist society.  This isn't a ground breaking idea, so instead, let's focus on how to tackle it.

We can only be sympathetic towards ourselves when we have the confidence to believe in it.  The time to practise and develop an armour of kindness is when our self assuredness is on top.  Here are some of the ways to do this.

- Amy Cuddy's TED talk on 'power poses' may boost your resolve.  These simple postures are especially helpful if you notice self doubt creeping in.  But, often, we don't notice till it's too late.

- Mindfulness exercises can help you to notice.

Power poses and mindfulness both have studies showing that you don't have to enjoy the practise for it to have a physical effect on your brain.

- A way to recover, if you don't catch self sabotaging self doubt with a 'power pose', is by listing the ways you appreciate yourself.  Although this is also cringy, it often has impressive results.

- Use a Facebook group where others can inspire you.

- Create a tool box of strategies and skills to ease difficult times.  There are many other technique out there and if we explore them when we have the peace of mind to be able to engage, we will be better equipped to cope with challenges.
 
During the throws of scepticism, however, you may as well take a break from all that.  When our hippy bashing critic is in the ascension, the best way to get over our reluctance to be nice to ourselves, is to be self compassionate about lacking self compassion.  We need to cringe about the idea of allowing ourselves to cringe and get irritated with our irritation.  As soon as we shut out our cynicism, we give it strength and it builds until we binge on our resentment.  We can experiment with soothing words and actions when we're angry with ourselves, but ultimate self compassion is when we allow ourselves to feel that anger, instead of trying to chase it away.

I want always gets!

OK, I want to be best friends with a unicorn and that probably won't happen, but I can dream.  No, not just dream, I can talk about it.

Children get told not to say, 'I want'.  It is important to develop polite young people who respect others and their surroundings, but I think this particular method has backfired.

'Please may I have'  is really saying, 'I'm not sure if I'm entitled to this'.  Let's develop our sense of entitlement without the guilt that so often accompanies it.  Many adults are plagued by anxiety.  So are many of our children.  This feeling of uncertainty about whether we are deserving must be a strong factor.

I've begun playing a game when I notice I'm feeling anxious.  I list all the things I want at that moment.  It doesn't matter how nonsensical, contrary or unhelpful.  Often, I think I don't know what I want, so my desires start that way.  Then self compassionate, realistic, caring needs emerge and I can decide what to do next, with a genuine sense of ease.  I might not get that unicorn, but I do gain a welcome sense of relief and joy. And that, is almost as good.

'The most wonderful time of the year.' And it's not what you're thinking.

My favourite time of the holidays is, oddly, the few days before I go back to work.

Preferably, I will have just come back from somewhere.  It doesn't matter where.  It could be a traditionally relaxing place where there's nothing to do or an inspiring conference.  The point is, I will have gotten away.  Away from the chores I couldn't face while at work.  Away from my wonderful, loving friends and family.  (Even meeting up with people I love feels like pressure when life's so busy they have to be scheduled in.  Another blog post right there.)  And away from most of my stuff.


The getting away, even the being away part, is not my favourite.  I look forward to it and even enjoy it, but it's not the best and here are some of the reasons why:

I don't get away from my expectations, of myself or anything else. Meditation, experience and reflection means I can negate this to some extent, but it's exhausting.

I usually get 'Teacher's Lurgy'.  If you're not familiar with this, it's when you suddenly stop dealing with 500 things/ second, the adrenaline you've been running on during school time leaves you like a fickle lover, and your immune system is suddenly heard sobbing uncontrollably in the background, just waiting for the next passing virus to offer it some attention and interaction.

I feel I have to be permanently useful.  Even though my exploration of life, the universe and everything has taught me I don't need to be, I have problems disentangling myself from this unhelpful, ingrained imperative.


So why is it so important that I go away?  Because I enjoy coming back.  The life I have built is challenging and exhausting but it's also wonderful, fulfilling and mine.  Two, or even five weeks is not enough to help me to properly let go, (I find about three months needs to be set aside for that!), but even two days is enough to gain perspective and appreciation.  Unfortunately, this sense of peace and togetherness doesn't last long, but I enjoy it while it does.  And the brilliant thing?  I know that it will reverberate through the weeks ahead, shining through the cracks, and that will keep me going till next time.